Things that Make you Think Until you Go Crazy

- Why is it in our nature to crave happiness but then at the same time think it's unattainable?

- Why the hell are we so susceptible to momentaneous sensations, when really they're exactly that: sensations of the moment. By susceptible I mean we attach a longer time frame to these sensations than we should or realize. Why can't we just be happy (and I don't mean content) living from one moment to the next, letting ourselves experience these sensations but afterwards realize them for what they are, fleeting and temporary. If we could just be happy, then we'd realize that we have the opportunity to experience everything. Even as I say this, as I realize this, I feel like it's a happiness that has to be learned. To me, happiness that has to be learned is just all wrong. Happiness should be simple, and so natural. Anyway, nothing lasts forever, it's such a simple truth, but for some reason we have to train ourselves to get used to that idea. I blame the media, and society in general, for feeding me all kinds of anti-truths. As soon as I grow up, I am so out of this world.

- And speaking of growing up, when are we gonna grow up, I mean REALLY grow up. Not just look like grown ups, talk intelligently, and do whatever we want. Do people EVER grow up? Or are we just a bunch of incomplete human beings masquerading as a race that can actually back up all the shit that we do. I believe in karma, and I believe it's a bitch.

For the Month of November

Old camera broke, New digital camera: $700
Broken mp3 player, new ipod: $200
Lost phone, recovered broken phone, new cell phone: $40
Setting up the new room: $800
3 car accidents, all my fault: I can only imagine a bajillion $$

I think that draws up the list of financial losses and expenses. We'll add up the mental suffrage and ego crushing later.

But I can look at it all like this: Life still remembers me at least, to be going through all this effort. It would be horrible if my life stayed stagnant, no good news, no bad news. Or worse if I died. What it must feel like, to be truly forgotten by the world. I'm alive, and as long as you're alive, you can rebuild.

Happy? Holidays

Apparently depression and anxiety rates peak during the Holidays.

Yippeeeee.

So do injuries and a bunch of other medical conditions that result from all the stress of "celebration." People falling from stringing lights up. Ice skating accidents. So really, the holidays are just dangerous.

Not to mention a hassle. I should go spend it where they don't allow christmas trees especially.

Because Life is TOO

Hard? Complicated? Fun?

John Donne once said "No man is an island entire unto himself." I think I have come to the conclusion that for the past few months, I have been in a relationship. With life. I have no idea how I got into this relationship, or how to get out for that matter. But if there's ever one dysfunctional relationship, it's probably the one I have with life. I hate it, I love it, but mostly I think I love to hate it. And either this is making sense, or not at all. In other words this relationship has driven me insane. There are too many unanswered questions, and not enough lovin. What's being downplayed though, is the fact that I have never felt more alive.

Am I being realistic, or really really idealistic. Because I can never tell with the mundane and the extraordinary bits of my experiences. Which are dreams, which are reality.

I'm sleeping and waking. Sleeping and waking. But I never exist without passion.

PS. Grey's Anatomy has infiltrated my brain, making me once more susceptible to cliches, lame lines, and melodrama. They're all just such whores. But nobody told me that there would be great monologues. Here's one:

Meredith Grey: "Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me."

I so want life to pick me, choose me, love me. [I am prepared for amazing things to happen. I can handle it.]

My poison

Sadly life does not give you options. In fact it crams you with insufficient facts, to always have you craving for more.

"There's something to be said about a glass half full. About knowing when to say when. I think it's a floating line. A barometer of need and desire. It's entirely up to the individual. And depends on what's being poured. Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times there's no such thing as enough, the glass is bottomless. And all we want, is more.

Add: "As human beings, sometimes it's better to stay in the dark, because in the dark there may be fear, but there's also hope."

[Shonda Rhimes]

The Horrible "20s"

When you were in your teens, life was all hunky dory. And you never used the phrase hunky dory, because god knows you wanted to make friends.

When you're in your 30s, life is (should be/has become) tolerable, if not great. Whether it'd be the aging process, the grown up mentality, or kids if you should choose that alternative, you are settled. The responsibility noose is still wound around your neck but by then you will have learned to adjust it so that it comfortably sits. In fact you're so used to having it there that you may forget its presence, or may not even be able to let it go. Who knows.

After all, I am only in my 20s. My neck is all red and painful from ropeburn. I live like a 30 year old and think like a 15 year old. The gap is stifling empty. It's like when you're going through puberty and your clothes don't fit you so right anymore...except 01492834912342139842104 times worse.

I often find myself wondering, how long do your "20s" really last. "Adults" (and I use this term loosely) seem so collected, like they were never 20. Maybe they don't remember it, maybe they didn't have it like I do, maybe somewhere between their 20s and their 30s, they finally shut the hell up and came to their senses.

All I know is, we're grown up. When did that happen?

I am Entitled to Explanations

Why the hell are we conditioned into the smooth strawberry-and-cream Mother-Goose-world, Alice-in-Wonderland fable, only to be broken on the wheel as we grow older and become aware of ourselves as individuals with a dull responsibility in life?

If I rest, if I think inward, I go mad

~ Sylvia Plath

Don't Forget Me

Show me a world
and then take it away

Throw me into reality
like I don't know any better

Leave me to recreate it
or be haunted hereafter.

If I am your pawn, then make use of me. Better yet, make me KING.

Arguing with the Wind

Is just completely, and utterly useless...even if you come in teams. Have you tried it? The wind always wins.

Whoever came up with that phrase "free like the wind," I just want to pass along the message that wind is not happy. Apparently nobody ever asked [him] if [he] is in fact happy, or free. As it turns out, even wind does not like being free.

Freedom is an illusion, a pastime distraction, a fucking excuse. Pardon my French.
It's what you say to yourself to make sitting at home on a lonely night seem less than pathetic.
Me? I'm no better than pathetic. It's just that I prefer, no I embrace being pathetic. Some of the best discoveries spring from being pathetic. Everyone has their own way of dealing with the pain, but just don't deny.

In twos
people are pairing off
years wearing sof't
In twos
good days come and go
pictures striking a blow
In twos
eyes are registering it all
salty droplets fall
In twos
words are tumbling out
memories rolling about

Tomorrow is nowhere to be found
and it never seems like today is around

r.i.p. m.i.x

Slimcea Girl (Mono)

As she walked down the street
The rain began to fall
He called out
But she passed on by
Like she never noticed him at all

Then the words of the song
Remind her of those days
Sees herself in the face of a stranger
Sat in a station road cafe

She remembers the day
When things were going her way
Only memories remain of

The way she used to be
Way she used to be

She stays home every night
And exagerates her past
Now he knows
That slimcea girl
And she lives alone in prozac park

All the old photographs
Were never thrown away
She looks through them
For what made her cry
And then she decides live for today

She remembers the day
When things were going her way
Only memories remain of

The way she used to be
Way she used to be

Sample :
Why dont you come to me?
Ill come with you

The way she used to be
Way she used to be

Shell never go back again
The way she used to be
Way she used to be
Shell never go back again