The Edge of Reason
When I am forced to communicate with the urge to burst into tears and possibly my fists, that's how angry I can get sometimes. I haven't felt that way in a long time...until tonight. More than anyone, my parents are capable of making me feel that way. Thus we find an explanation for why I never ever, under any circumstances, live with them for more than two days. Not if I can help it, I am out of there after 12 hours of interaction. And 12 hours is pushing it my friends.
This entry is being written about two minutes after the event which has left me crazy and filled with hate. So excuse my harsh and unbelieveable language. I have an interview tomorrow in DE. Out of state, not really, but yes not in PA. The last time I had an interview out of state, in CT to be exact, my mom drove me. Yes...I being a 22 year old, old enough to live on my own, get a job, support myself, but still not old enough to make it to a job interview in CT. Go figure...where did my parents go wrong...why do they not posess an ounce of logic, reason, psychology, god knows what but they are lacking something. So I'm about to get online and go over the directions when my dad comes in. Every single fucking time I have to travel somewhere, he grabs the computer and starts looking up the driving directions for me. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME. I do not pretend to notice sometimes that I lack the survival skills most 22 years olds like me have by now. Like owning a credit card (s), paying their own bills, expenses. Whereas all I have is one savings account, which is still under my mom's name conveniently. So every month I get a call from her telling me that I've withdrawn too much money. Every month I reply in the same manner: "Stop fucking checking my bank statements and remove yourself from my account." That is all true except I may have omitted the curse word. I have no credit cards, I pay no bills. They even paid off my college loans. Can't complain right? When my bank account is running low, my mom puts money in it. Even though I ask her not to. Why...most kids love hand outs from their parents. BECAUSE I WANT TO KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE MY OWN PERSON. I am goddamn 22 years old and they treat me like I am 12. I use to think when I was 21...that maybe they accidentally reversed the number "21" and got "12," in their decrepid states. But no, now that I'm 22, it's pretty clear that they have a severe problem with letting go. This is why I avoid them, why I cannot appreciate them, and ultimately why I blame them, partly for raising me in such an unrealistic fashion and partly for then setting me out into the real world. The gap is so large, sometimes I have to sit down and take a breath. Then I think...what kind of a parent will I be...what will I tell my kids. You want them to believe that life is happy but then you want them to see life for what it is. My parents somehow completely ran out of time or just decided not to let me see life for what it is. And now that they've found "God," well I'm afraid they've lost touch completely with the real world as well.
So I'm trying to get on the computers and understand where I'm going tomorrow and really for the first time, find my own directions, when my dad jumps in the seat first and starts his usual rant. For some reason I just got angrier and angrier...I watched the clock tick by...thirty minutes and he is still going. Telling me about roads that have nothing to do with where I'm going. Yelling at me for not planning ahead. Yelling at me for my slow computer. Finally he notices that I am pissy, when really I am at the verge of yelling at him or punching him, or running away. He walks off in a huff. Then my mom comes in and starts to tell me that maybe leaving from West Chester is closer...at which point I respond: well I really wouldn't FUCKING KNOW because I HAVENT GOTTEN A CHANCE TO LOOK AT THE FUCKING MAP. Of course I really didn't say this like I had turrets. She notices I am angry, nags for 15 minutes until I turn my back blatantly on her, and walks off in a huff. 5 minutes later my dad comes out and starts repeating the directions. I am at the verge of tears, my hands are shaking, I want to punch somebody. Truthfully, I want to blink and have them disappear. POOF.
I am ungrateful. I know it. But for a moment try to identify with me. Have you ever wished your parents just didn't exist? No? I know it's a horrific thought, one that will leave me forever guilty and forever wretched. But even as a child, I would repeat it sometimes when I did not know what else to say to them, how else to make them understand that if they didn't let me fall a little, I will never truthfully learn to walk. There have been countless moments when I have wished for their eternal absence, and for that I don't deserve to live. But sometimes...when you're at the edge of reason...
This entry is being written about two minutes after the event which has left me crazy and filled with hate. So excuse my harsh and unbelieveable language. I have an interview tomorrow in DE. Out of state, not really, but yes not in PA. The last time I had an interview out of state, in CT to be exact, my mom drove me. Yes...I being a 22 year old, old enough to live on my own, get a job, support myself, but still not old enough to make it to a job interview in CT. Go figure...where did my parents go wrong...why do they not posess an ounce of logic, reason, psychology, god knows what but they are lacking something. So I'm about to get online and go over the directions when my dad comes in. Every single fucking time I have to travel somewhere, he grabs the computer and starts looking up the driving directions for me. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME. I do not pretend to notice sometimes that I lack the survival skills most 22 years olds like me have by now. Like owning a credit card (s), paying their own bills, expenses. Whereas all I have is one savings account, which is still under my mom's name conveniently. So every month I get a call from her telling me that I've withdrawn too much money. Every month I reply in the same manner: "Stop fucking checking my bank statements and remove yourself from my account." That is all true except I may have omitted the curse word. I have no credit cards, I pay no bills. They even paid off my college loans. Can't complain right? When my bank account is running low, my mom puts money in it. Even though I ask her not to. Why...most kids love hand outs from their parents. BECAUSE I WANT TO KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE MY OWN PERSON. I am goddamn 22 years old and they treat me like I am 12. I use to think when I was 21...that maybe they accidentally reversed the number "21" and got "12," in their decrepid states. But no, now that I'm 22, it's pretty clear that they have a severe problem with letting go. This is why I avoid them, why I cannot appreciate them, and ultimately why I blame them, partly for raising me in such an unrealistic fashion and partly for then setting me out into the real world. The gap is so large, sometimes I have to sit down and take a breath. Then I think...what kind of a parent will I be...what will I tell my kids. You want them to believe that life is happy but then you want them to see life for what it is. My parents somehow completely ran out of time or just decided not to let me see life for what it is. And now that they've found "God," well I'm afraid they've lost touch completely with the real world as well.
So I'm trying to get on the computers and understand where I'm going tomorrow and really for the first time, find my own directions, when my dad jumps in the seat first and starts his usual rant. For some reason I just got angrier and angrier...I watched the clock tick by...thirty minutes and he is still going. Telling me about roads that have nothing to do with where I'm going. Yelling at me for not planning ahead. Yelling at me for my slow computer. Finally he notices that I am pissy, when really I am at the verge of yelling at him or punching him, or running away. He walks off in a huff. Then my mom comes in and starts to tell me that maybe leaving from West Chester is closer...at which point I respond: well I really wouldn't FUCKING KNOW because I HAVENT GOTTEN A CHANCE TO LOOK AT THE FUCKING MAP. Of course I really didn't say this like I had turrets. She notices I am angry, nags for 15 minutes until I turn my back blatantly on her, and walks off in a huff. 5 minutes later my dad comes out and starts repeating the directions. I am at the verge of tears, my hands are shaking, I want to punch somebody. Truthfully, I want to blink and have them disappear. POOF.
I am ungrateful. I know it. But for a moment try to identify with me. Have you ever wished your parents just didn't exist? No? I know it's a horrific thought, one that will leave me forever guilty and forever wretched. But even as a child, I would repeat it sometimes when I did not know what else to say to them, how else to make them understand that if they didn't let me fall a little, I will never truthfully learn to walk. There have been countless moments when I have wished for their eternal absence, and for that I don't deserve to live. But sometimes...when you're at the edge of reason...
posted by Mix at 11:48 PM
1 Comments:
I more or less identify with you. I definitely now realize just how unprepared for life I am because my parents basically did everything for me, that is until now. They now expect me to pay for everything (where am I supposed to get $5,000 for tuition)?
I realize I'm a little behind schedule on being able to live an independent life, but yet my mother has to rant on about it. Saying how I didn't deal with my finanaces early enough (which is true), but don't they realize that there's a difference between helpful comments and mere nagging?
Obviously not.
Then again, I'm not sure if I would have listened to them if they only said it nicely one time.
Post a Comment
<< Home