The Problem
with Negative Reinforcement is that overtime, it can be exhausting.
It is not only annoyingly repetitive because once people pick out your weak spots, it just grows bigger and bigger. Like the ghastly pimple you get on your forehead or your nose a day before some important event where you will be seen by hundreds, maybe even thousands. (And being Asian, trust me I would know, your nose is sizeable enough that if you get a ghastly pimple, that's ALL people might see) Speaking of Asian, Chinese parents are the worst with negative reinforcement. You may think that I'm just a stereotyping maniac, but growing up I have noticed the many different traits that come with being raised in a traditional Chinese versus a non Chinese household. I have noticed that many Chinese parents believe in bathing, sometimes drowning, their kids in a pool of negative reinforcement. I have mixed theories about this kind of discipline, there are definite upsides, but since I am one of these poor bastards, I also feel that there are definite downsides. Allow me to demonstrate with snippets from yet another lovely conversation between my dad and I:
EG. 1
Chinese Dad: What do you think you're gonna end up doing in life? Do you think you could end up doing something great? SIGH. I really don't know what you're capable of...
Hypothetical Non Chinese Dad (HNCD): Have you ever thought about what you want to do in life. Well sport whatever it is, make sure you like it and I'm sure you'll be good at it. *Maybe even a pat on the head or a ruffle of the hair*
EG. 2
Chinese Dad: You know what I noticed your problem is (as I roll my eyes into the back of my head further each time he starts a monologue this way, we could be here for days.) The problem with you is that you develop slower than most in life. You tend to catch on slowly, eventually you catch up, but you are definitely a bit slower than most people.
HNCD: You know sometimes you may not realize things as fast as others, but that's only because you lack experience. It's ok though, because eventually everyone gets there.
Me: (desperately trying to joke my way out of this one) Well maybe I'll get to live longer than most people because I tend to take longer to realize things.
Chinese Dad: Yes, you probably will. See there is one upside. Another one of your problems is that you have no interests in anything. I always noticed this about you, even when you were young. Like that time when we took you to the Baltimore Aquarium, do you remember that time?
Me: How could I not when that is your favorite memory of me.
Chinese Dad: apparently not really looking for a wise answer and ignores me while plowing right on ---Yes you ran right through the aquarium, you weren't even interested in seeing anything. You ran to the end and sat there waiting for us. I yelled at you but you know, I don't really think you got the point. Or like when you told me that story the other day (And he goes on to give me many examples. These examples are just pastime stories that I tell him everyday to ensure continuous conversation between father and daughter. Apparently he takes these daily anecdotes and uses them as support paragraphs for his thesis: why I suck at life. I feel betrayed, by the man who uses my own daily anecdotes against me. It should be illegal, I try to amuse him with tidbits from my life and this is the thanks I get. To have them thrown right back in my face. GRRRRR if you understand the frustration of what I am talking about, then we should form some sort of a support group.) Meanwhile he is still talking blahblahblah...you should take an interest in something. You should ask why...always ask questions.
Me: You have been giving me this lecture since I was 12...or however old I was when we went to that damn aquarium. Can I ask you something...if you know my faults so well, surely you must also notice what I'm good at. Do you know any of my advantages?
Chinese Dad: Shakes his head in disappointment. No I don't know. Sigh. But I'm trying to help you, and if you don't want to listen to my advice then I guess...blahblahblah
HNCD: ??? I don't think you could put a positive spin on that one.
So I think to myself: No wonder I obsess over why I suck. No wonder I am not confident in any actions that I take. How could I if my own dad doesn't even have the slightest inkling as to what I might be good at? I'm not using this as an excuse for my failures mind you. My dad did not FAIL ME, he was a wonderful teacher in every other aspect. More than a kid could hope for. But I sure wish, just once, that I could get some positive reinforcement from him. Even if it is a lie...sometimes you gotta lie a little...
It is not only annoyingly repetitive because once people pick out your weak spots, it just grows bigger and bigger. Like the ghastly pimple you get on your forehead or your nose a day before some important event where you will be seen by hundreds, maybe even thousands. (And being Asian, trust me I would know, your nose is sizeable enough that if you get a ghastly pimple, that's ALL people might see) Speaking of Asian, Chinese parents are the worst with negative reinforcement. You may think that I'm just a stereotyping maniac, but growing up I have noticed the many different traits that come with being raised in a traditional Chinese versus a non Chinese household. I have noticed that many Chinese parents believe in bathing, sometimes drowning, their kids in a pool of negative reinforcement. I have mixed theories about this kind of discipline, there are definite upsides, but since I am one of these poor bastards, I also feel that there are definite downsides. Allow me to demonstrate with snippets from yet another lovely conversation between my dad and I:
EG. 1
Chinese Dad: What do you think you're gonna end up doing in life? Do you think you could end up doing something great? SIGH. I really don't know what you're capable of...
Hypothetical Non Chinese Dad (HNCD): Have you ever thought about what you want to do in life. Well sport whatever it is, make sure you like it and I'm sure you'll be good at it. *Maybe even a pat on the head or a ruffle of the hair*
EG. 2
Chinese Dad: You know what I noticed your problem is (as I roll my eyes into the back of my head further each time he starts a monologue this way, we could be here for days.) The problem with you is that you develop slower than most in life. You tend to catch on slowly, eventually you catch up, but you are definitely a bit slower than most people.
HNCD: You know sometimes you may not realize things as fast as others, but that's only because you lack experience. It's ok though, because eventually everyone gets there.
Me: (desperately trying to joke my way out of this one) Well maybe I'll get to live longer than most people because I tend to take longer to realize things.
Chinese Dad: Yes, you probably will. See there is one upside. Another one of your problems is that you have no interests in anything. I always noticed this about you, even when you were young. Like that time when we took you to the Baltimore Aquarium, do you remember that time?
Me: How could I not when that is your favorite memory of me.
Chinese Dad: apparently not really looking for a wise answer and ignores me while plowing right on ---Yes you ran right through the aquarium, you weren't even interested in seeing anything. You ran to the end and sat there waiting for us. I yelled at you but you know, I don't really think you got the point. Or like when you told me that story the other day (And he goes on to give me many examples. These examples are just pastime stories that I tell him everyday to ensure continuous conversation between father and daughter. Apparently he takes these daily anecdotes and uses them as support paragraphs for his thesis: why I suck at life. I feel betrayed, by the man who uses my own daily anecdotes against me. It should be illegal, I try to amuse him with tidbits from my life and this is the thanks I get. To have them thrown right back in my face. GRRRRR if you understand the frustration of what I am talking about, then we should form some sort of a support group.) Meanwhile he is still talking blahblahblah...you should take an interest in something. You should ask why...always ask questions.
Me: You have been giving me this lecture since I was 12...or however old I was when we went to that damn aquarium. Can I ask you something...if you know my faults so well, surely you must also notice what I'm good at. Do you know any of my advantages?
Chinese Dad: Shakes his head in disappointment. No I don't know. Sigh. But I'm trying to help you, and if you don't want to listen to my advice then I guess...blahblahblah
HNCD: ??? I don't think you could put a positive spin on that one.
So I think to myself: No wonder I obsess over why I suck. No wonder I am not confident in any actions that I take. How could I if my own dad doesn't even have the slightest inkling as to what I might be good at? I'm not using this as an excuse for my failures mind you. My dad did not FAIL ME, he was a wonderful teacher in every other aspect. More than a kid could hope for. But I sure wish, just once, that I could get some positive reinforcement from him. Even if it is a lie...sometimes you gotta lie a little...
posted by Mix at 2:04 AM
3 Comments:
You could start writing your own column =)
Ever thought about writing for a magazine?
Yeah, just the other day I got into a little scuffle with my mom. She was just going on and on and on and on about how I'm not handling my current finannces in a mature way (which I'm not), but she doesn't have to repeat it like a broken record and make my annoyed on top of it.
Ephesians 6:4
"Fathers, do not exasperate your children . . . "
(I knew there was a reason why I went to church yesterday.)
I'd say writing is one of your talents.
I just found this blog today through "me"'s and your blog is very entertaining.
my dad's also kind of like yours. i remember one time in 3rd grade, I came back from school, told him something really fun that happened tome that day..and then a few weeks later, he used it against me.
i felt so betrayed that i vowed to never say anything personal to him again.
years later, all my dad and i discuss are politics and weather and occassionally family affairs.
have you ever tried to really sit your parents down and tell them how their negative behavior affects your self esteem and confidence levels?
if you don't feel like doing that face to face, you can write them letters.
i don't think you should let your father belittle you like that. try to train your parents to behave better.
it might seem like an impossible task, but it will work if you keep on trying.
Yeah, I second what LG said, you really do have a talent for writing these blogs. You could probably get published in a magazine if you wanted to and you'll have your own column.
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