Runaway Notions

I have many "talents". And the list is growing everyday.

I recently discovered that I have the ability to induce calm panic attacks while performing normal everyday tasks. Completely unprovoked-- well unless you count self provocation.

I can't quite put my finger on how it starts. But I have a hunch that it might be related to my new hobby (and yet another talent!): to replay conversations or interactions I've had with people over and over in my head. I start thinking about details and before you know it, each sentence, nay, each word in my memory branches out, taking on a life of its own, spawning more and more possibilities. My memory isn't great, and it's probably selective at best, which only makes me second guess everything. It's wierd because I still look calm and normal, but I feel like my brain and heart are exploding, only someone must've hit the mute button on me.

I start scrutinizing every word, every action. I almost always jump to the conclusion that mistakes were made, most likely my fault. My eyes dart to my phone, I want to check my email. Nobody has called. Nobody has written. Therefore it is only reasonable that they are probably all sitting in a room somewhere having a grand time, conspiring, trading notes about how much I suck. And I've probably given them enough ammo to, it is a cruel joke that I ever thought I might be likeable. I constantly think my coworkers are talking about me, because their voices are low. They are displeased with my performance, I MUST be slacking off, or stupid, or both. Then usually around this time, paranoia seeps in and begins to kick any remianing shred of logic's ass.

All the while, I'm still sitting there, on the couch, smiling robotically at the TV. Maybe even fake chuckling. Right at that moment, there are two completely different events taking place, sharing the same time frame. On the one hand, there's cheesy music and colloquial dialogue. On the other, rapid and chaotic brain activity, terror, suffocation, and stress induced chest pains. It becomes hard to tell which one is background noise.

I digress. The only way to snap out of it is by reminding myself of the worst case scenario: to spend life in complete solitude. Which isn't so bad. In fact assume rejection unless otherwise noted. Breathing returns to normal. My eyes start to focus again. TV swims back into view, Scrubs is on. Everything is a little darker, but I care less.

I never used to get carried away like this. This can only mean that my brain is evolving, into that of a mental patient's. Shhhhhhhhhhhh.