Dieluded

Most people drink to feel loose. These days she drinks to blend in. No, literally. To blend into the rest of the crowd. To achieve a degree of anonymity that her sober self would never tolerate. Some would call her an abberation in the bar scene because she takes on the role of a wallflower.

It's odd because public expression was never a skill she struggled with. Often times, it was a skill she questioned worth having. But in the back of her mind, the girl always knew that somewhere in the throngs of people she preferred to be surrounded with, there were at least one or two who loathed her self usurped limelight. And if you feign interest, you would never catch it. But being the narrator, I remarked a tiny streak dash across those magnificent round browns, sparkling with her latest anecdote. I duly noted it as a quick glimpse of nerves.

In the most ironic sense, she lacked that same skill for self expression. For the girl with an endless supply of garrulous energy and simultaenous emotional restraint, life was a troublesome affair. Left to her own devices, she would cry when she felt pain, she would protest when she felt snubbed, she would take offense to unpleasantries, she would do whatever the hell she pleased. Yet in public she never could exercise these liberties to the same degree, she was far too classy for such outbursts. But it distressed her all the same. And she spent her waking moments always dreaming, dreaming of being someone other than herself.

Now she was leaning against the bar, wobbly holding an empty glass up to her face, and ignoring the misogynistic lyrics of a song she once got up to dance for. Dancing for the crowd was something she did better pre Vodka and Tonics anyway. Unsuccessfully, I could only make out a little of her distorted appearance, muddled through the empty glass. Seemingly unphased by her own wierd behavior, she turned to watch her friends do shots, still holding the empty glass up to her eye. It was a strange sight, to see everyone grow bolder and louder while she receded to sitting reserved at the bar. Timidly, the girl set down her empty glass and reached out to order another drink. The last thing I remember is stupidly thinking how calm and clear she looked.